One Year Ago

I meant to write this more than a week ago, but time gets away from me and I end up getting nothing done.

I've wanted to write some of my feelings about what happened a year ago. I don't always want to remember those awful 10 days, but I will never forget. 

This picture was taken September 11, 2011. 

Our sweet baby Jaela had been life-flighted to Primary Children's Medical Center. Her heart was failing, her respiratory system was failing. She was dying. Jeremy and I were sitting close by her bed before she was intubated. She was struggling to breath and her sats were dropping, our moms were standing in the corner and we could hear them cry. They stepped out for a minute to make some phone calls so Jeremy and I had a minute to talk. I quietly asked Jeremy if he thought Jaela would make it through this. He tearfully said "no." We both felt that these were our last few minutes with Jaela. I new I needed to hold her. I couldn't hold her in my arms, only in my hands because of all the equipment attached to her. I wholeheartedly believe that a mothers soul is connected to her child's. As I was holding her I could feel her spirit trying to leave her body.  Her body was tired and she couldn't fight anymore. I kept telling her that I loved her and to wait for us in Heaven. I will never forget the ache in my heart those few minutes. 

When the anesthesiologist came in to intubate her, I couldn't be in the room. I emotionally couldn't be in the room and potentially watch my daughter die. I couldn't watch it. I laid on the floor in the hallway outside of her room and cried. I didn't know whether she was gone or not. A kind nurse came by and picked me up off the floor and wrapped me in a warm blanket until Jeremy came out. I was such a relief to see the look on his him. I knew by the look on his face that she was ok. She was alive! 

To those family members that got phone call at an unholy hour on that Sunday morning, thank you for being there. We knew we needed our family around us. We knew we needed more prays sent towards heaven. I know this sounds horrible, but I needed my aunts there to plan the funeral in case she didn't make it because I knew I couldn't do it. 

Here's our Jaela exactly one year from that day. She's so happy, she's healthy, she's tickling my feet while I write this :) 

                          

I know this post isn't long or well-written, but it's hard to think about that day. I'm just so happy we still have our Jaela. She's our everything.